Every time I come back to you, I say I’m here to stay and I just end up leaving again. I’m not ignoring this blog because I don’t want to write anymore. It’s not even like I’ve forgotten that I have this blog. I think about writing a lot, actually. It’s just that I have been in a terrible place recently and I don’t want to bring that negativity into this space. When I redesigned/renamed this blog, I did it with the intention that this was going to be the place where I wrote about making myself better. Well, I haven’t been better. I’ve been much, much worse. I can’t even remember the last time I felt as poorly as I do right now. And I don’t want to bring that to this blog. I can’t imagine any of you feel like reading a bunch of whining from a college kid with, quite honestly, nothing to complain about. Objectively, I know my life is good. I don’t have any life-threatening problems at the moment, I’m living with my saint of a boyfriend, a month ago I adopted a dog that has quickly become the light of my life and I know I’m going to do well in all my classes this semester.
And yet, I can’t help but feeling that my life is slowly but surely unraveling. I feel like everything around me is falling apart and as much as I try to pick up the pieces and glue them back together my life just feels more and more broken. I try to start out the day as positively as possible but, almost without fail, each day throws something at me to knock me back down into this awful place. I feel so incredibly alone, and I know the only way to stop feeling alone is to pull myself out of this, but I can’t seem to get there.
It’s like I’m sitting at the bottom of a well. I can see all my friends at the top having wonderful lives and going on as if everything is completely lovely. I don’t particularly enjoy being down there, but climbing up is absolutely exhausting, so it’s easier and more comfortable to just stay at the bottom. I know that I would be happier at the top, but I just don’t have the strength to get there.
I am having a lot of trouble finding a job, and that has become a source of non-stop stress for me. I have never been financially insecure and I don’t really know how to deal with it now that I am. I am having to rely on my boyfriend and what he makes from his job, and although I trust him, I’ve never been in a position where I couldn’t support myself fully. And, on top of needing the income, constantly not being hired is really starting to get to my confidence. It’s hard to keep trying when I haven’t been good enough for every other place I’ve applied to. At this point, it’s hard to rationalize putting forth the energy when I’m not expecting anything to come of it. I know, obviously, that I can’t actually get a job unless I actually keep turning in applications, but it is so exhausting to continually be disappointed.
My anxiety is making my life so much harder than it should be. I can’t talk to people. I don’t want to be around anyone. And, unfortunately, at the same time all I want is to connect with people. I cling to small-take and anything any random stranger says to me. But I can’t help not wanting to be noticed around strangers. It terrifies me. Everything terrifies me.
I’m sincerely hoping nobody took the time to read through this entire post. This isn’t what I want this blog to become, but this is all that is on my mind right now. I’m still going through the motions of what I feel like my life should be- yoga, gym, healthy eating. But that’s all it is. Motions. My body is there, but I am not. I’m hoping I’ll get there soon, though.
I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying.