Every time I come back to you, I say I’m here to stay and I just end up leaving again. I’m not ignoring this blog because I don’t want to write anymore. It’s not even like I’ve forgotten that I have this blog. I think about writing a lot, actually. It’s just that I have been in a terrible place recently and I don’t want to bring that negativity into this space. When I redesigned/renamed this blog, I did it with the intention that this was going to be the place where I wrote about making myself better. Well, I haven’t been better. I’ve been much, much worse. I can’t even remember the last time I felt as poorly as I do right now. And I don’t want to bring that to this blog. I can’t imagine any of you feel like reading a bunch of whining from a college kid with, quite honestly, nothing to complain about. Objectively, I know my life is good. I don’t have any life-threatening problems at the moment, I’m living with my saint of a boyfriend, a month ago I adopted a dog that has quickly become the light of my life and I know I’m going to do well in all my classes this semester.
And yet, I can’t help but feeling that my life is slowly but surely unraveling. I feel like everything around me is falling apart and as much as I try to pick up the pieces and glue them back together my life just feels more and more broken. I try to start out the day as positively as possible but, almost without fail, each day throws something at me to knock me back down into this awful place. I feel so incredibly alone, and I know the only way to stop feeling alone is to pull myself out of this, but I can’t seem to get there.
It’s like I’m sitting at the bottom of a well. I can see all my friends at the top having wonderful lives and going on as if everything is completely lovely. I don’t particularly enjoy being down there, but climbing up is absolutely exhausting, so it’s easier and more comfortable to just stay at the bottom. I know that I would be happier at the top, but I just don’t have the strength to get there.
I am having a lot of trouble finding a job, and that has become a source of non-stop stress for me. I have never been financially insecure and I don’t really know how to deal with it now that I am. I am having to rely on my boyfriend and what he makes from his job, and although I trust him, I’ve never been in a position where I couldn’t support myself fully. And, on top of needing the income, constantly not being hired is really starting to get to my confidence. It’s hard to keep trying when I haven’t been good enough for every other place I’ve applied to. At this point, it’s hard to rationalize putting forth the energy when I’m not expecting anything to come of it. I know, obviously, that I can’t actually get a job unless I actually keep turning in applications, but it is so exhausting to continually be disappointed.
My anxiety is making my life so much harder than it should be. I can’t talk to people. I don’t want to be around anyone. And, unfortunately, at the same time all I want is to connect with people. I cling to small-take and anything any random stranger says to me. But I can’t help not wanting to be noticed around strangers. It terrifies me. Everything terrifies me.
I’m sincerely hoping nobody took the time to read through this entire post. This isn’t what I want this blog to become, but this is all that is on my mind right now. I’m still going through the motions of what I feel like my life should be- yoga, gym, healthy eating. But that’s all it is. Motions. My body is there, but I am not. I’m hoping I’ll get there soon, though.
I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying.
Last night I went to my very first Bikram yoga class. My boyfriend had work yesterday, and my living situation right now is really, REALLY stressful, so I was determined to find something to do out of the house. I’ve been searching for a yoga studio close to where I work for a few weeks now with no luck. For some reason I didn’t even consider studios around where I actually live until last night and I am SO upset it took me this long to find a place to take classes because IT. WAS. AWESOME.
I think part of the reason I loved it so much was just because I haven’t really spoken to anyone outside of my coworkers, customers and my boyfriend for a LONG while now. It has been so hard on me to not really have any friends in Memphis. Whatever the reason, I’m hooked. I’m only going to be in Memphis for two more weeks but I bought a new student unlimited pass for way cheap and I’m going to go as many times as possible. Luckily, there is a studio in Oxford that offers Ashtanga AND Bikram classes, so this is definitely something I’m going to continue to pursue when I move. I love doing my Ashtanga primary with Kino, but I know if I plan on seriously going forward with Ashtanga I need an instructor’s guidance.
Anyway, back to the class. It was hot. I was so unprepared for how hot that room was. It reminds me of hot Mississippi summers when you just walk outside and start sweating. I was sweating on parts of my body I didn’t think possible. There were a few points that I had to just stand and take a few deep breaths, but I would say I kept up with the class pretty spectacularly for it being my first time. For a while during the class I wasn’t completely sold on it, but after we finished I knew 100% I would be going back. In fact, I’m going back tonight.
I recently read an article (that I absolutely cannot find right now) about being comfortable with whatever “is” at the present moment. Not expecting anything one way or the other, just noticing what is happening and accepting it as it is. That article stuck with me when I read it, but I don’t think I really understood until last night in class. I mean, it was HOT. Incredibly, uncomfortably hot. I spent the first twenty minutes just thinking about how hot it was. But at some point, I said to myself that yes, it was hot, it was going to stay hot and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it except leave, which I had decided not to do. That meant that I had to stop fighting against the heat and just let it be. I had to let myself just be. And I did. And it was awesome.
Today was my first real yoga session in a loooooong time. Like, since I got back from Greece. Wednesdays have been “yoga” days, but those either turned into catch-up workout or sleepy morning stretches. Tonight after I got off work I did Kino’s video of the Ashtanga Primary series. I am so glad I actually had the motivation to do it, because I typically don’t feel like doing any kind of serious movement after a full day of work. Tomorrow morning I’m doing two of Sean Vigue’s videos. I’ve never actually finished an entire one of his videos (because I’m a pansy and he goes super hard), but he’s so funny and, while I absolutely ADORE FitnessBlender, I feel like I need a change of pace. Wednesday will be yoga unless I decide to continue my evening Ashtanga practice. I would really like to continue my yoga practice separately from my normal workouts. If we’re not too busy at work tomorrow, I’m going to customize a Tough Mudder training plan (from their website) that doesn’t require a pull-up bar so I can start training now instead of waiting until I have access to my gym. The first level is only 40 minutes long, so I’ll have plenty of time to do that in the mornings before work.
Speaking of work, this is the beginning of my second to last week! I love my job, really, I do, but I am so excited for the break I’m about to have. And, oddly enough, I’m super stoked to get back into the swing of college life. Studying abroad was nothing like real school, obviously, so it’s going to kind of be a fresh start for me this semester. And I am BEYOND excited about moving! We’re basically ready, minus packing a suitcase for the week we have to live at my boyfriend’s parents’ house. I have pretty much lived on my own for the past three years now, but moving into my own house is WAY different than living in a dorm or those tiny apartments we had in Greece. I day dream about decorating and cooking and the dog I am definitely, 100% going to adopt as soon as we are settled. Honestly, I’m just excited for my life in the very near future. I haven’t had the easiest summer emotionally, but things are looking up for me right now.
As I said in a recent post, Sam and my move date is quickly coming upon us, and I am so excited for this change we are about to make. I am hoping it gives me the motivation I need to make (and reach) some health and fitness goals, as opposed to just hoping I don’t eat too much and exercising just to maintain the status quo. I have some things I’d like to do when I move in mind:
– Gluten free: I tried Keto earlier this year for a month, and while that did a whole lot of bad for my general happiness and sanity, I have read too much about how bad gluten is for the body to want to continue including it in my diet. Right now, I have no real access to a kitchen and our grocery budget is limited, so this isn’t an option for me until I move. This will also be a struggle because Sam doesn’t have the same dietary concerns as me (nor does he need to) so he obviously will still be eating a lot of the things I won’t be.
– I don’t want to stop drinking coffee altogether, but I would like to be free to not drink coffee without getting debilitating caffeine headaches.
– The ultimate goal is to adopt a whole food diet, eating as few processed/packaged foods as possible. This means probably leaning toward making my own granola, bread, desserts, soups, etc… Basically, a lot of cooking/baking. I think this will help me gain control and confidence over what I am eating. Obviously, I won’t be able to take this so far as to say I would never eat out again, but more often than not I want to be preparing my own foods.
– Complete a Tough Mudder. Tough Mudder is holding an event on the Gulf Coast next March, just a week before my 22nd birthday. My plan is to start training as soon as I have access to my school gym. I’m still going to be working out regularly until then, of course, but after I get settled in Oxford I’m going to start using the training plan. This is nearly 7 months away, so I am afraid I may lose motivation for it as time passes, but I do plan to pay for registration ASAP so hopefully my financial investment will keep me interested.
– Running in general. I don’t live in the best area right now and Sam and I both decided it wouldn’t be the best idea for me to go running around the neighborhood, so my workouts have been confined to the living room. I want to start running again after I move. The goal is to run at least 30 minutes at least 5 days a week, possibly less depending on how much time I spend on T.M. practice.
– YOGA. As you know, I’m trying to get myself back into regular yoga practice. I do little things every day, but I want to be more consistent about it. I am also hoping to set up a more relaxing environment for my practice in my new home. Right now I’m surrounded by tote boxes and dressers in the living room. Not good.
Overall, with this move I hope to transition into a sustainable healthy lifestyle. I want to be active in a way that doesn’t make me feel like I’m just churning out necessary reps and rounds and eat in a way that nourishes my body without feeling like I’m restricting myself or punishing my body for looking or being a certain way. I really think having a specific goal in mind will help me focus less on what my body looks like and more on being in the best physical shape possible.
What I’m reading now:
Damned, by Chuck Palahniuk
Chuck Palahniuk is by far my favorite author. I have his Invisible Monsters book cover tattooed on the inside of my left arm. His books always have a way of making me change, or at least reexamine, how I view and life my life. He writes in a way that makes you unsure of everything you believe to be true. For a long while there, I snapped up each of his books as he wrote them, but I got behind after Pygmy and am just now catching up. Damned, first off, is great so far. To my disappointment, it’s a lot tamer than his earlier works I know and love. It still has his distinct style and that alternative, kind of uncomfortable charm that I love so much, but this book is quite, diluted, I guess, in comparison to some of his others. Luckily, that is my only complaint about this book. It’s funny, it’s sassy, and absolutely beautiful in that “This is going to piss a lot of people off and I don’t care” kind of way. I’m almost finished, and I have read enough to know that I have no idea how this book is going to end and I can’t wait to be completely blown away. I have the sequel on my computer, so hopefully I’ll get around to reading that soon as well.
What I’m reading next:
The Core of the Yoga Sutras
Okay, I might not actually be reading this next because I have to wait until my anniversary (MY ANNIVERSARY) with Sam to get it, but I wanted to talk about it because I am SO EXCITED about it! I am trying hard to rekindle my relationship with yoga, because I know it will make me feel so much better about pretty much everything. So I’m asking for this and Kino’s book on Ashtanga yoga for my anniversary gift. I’m going to try to approach yoga completely this time instead of just going through postures like I normally do. I’ve done a lot of blog-reading lately (Daily Cup of Yoga is my current obsession) and, at least right now, this is what I want to focus my energy on. So there’s that. More on my yoga happenings later.
I promise one day my life is going to be free enough for me to resume blogging regularly. I have at least two partially written posts in my drafts and I’m currently writing this at work. My internship ends in two and a half weeks and I start school in a little under a month. If all goes well I won’t be working during the fall semester, so things should slow down shortly. And thank God for it. I love my job and I am so appreciative of the opportunity to get this experience so early on in my (inevitable) banking career, but spending my summer working 40 hour weeks, not to mention working out 6 days a week (meaning waking up at 5:30 am on weekdays), has WORN ME OUT. I’m tired. I’m cranky. I’m sure Sam is counting down the days I have left to work because I know his patience for my attitude recently is running thin.
Something else that is not at all positively contributing to my mood is my (slight) weight gain. Back in Greece I rarely ate out, I was doing cardio almost every day and I was smoking almost a pack of cigarettes a day. Since I’ve been home I’ve transitioned into (what I think is) a much better lifestyle. Unfortunately, we can’t cook where we live now, but I am making sure to eat regular amounts at regular times (most of the time), I’ve incorporated a lot of weight lifting into my workout routine and Sam and I are quitting smoking. As many times as I tell myself I’m doing good things for my body, I can’t help but freak out that it has caused me to gain a little bit of weight. We’re talking 2-3 pounds here, nothing major, but when you’re in a situation where you’ve spent years and years trying to get to a certain weight, when you finally get there (and have the motivation to stay there), a few pounds is everything. I know, I know, how many times have I said I’m going to stop worrying about my weight? It’s a process, guys. I’m trying.
I am having a lot of trouble balancing my responsibilities and my, well, me. I feel like I’m always either at work or being a girlfriend or a daughter. Working out just seems like something I have to do and not something that brings me any kind of happiness or accomplishment. In general, I just feel sort of uncomfortable with my current situation. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’m not living in my own place. Right now I spend the majority of my time on one half of my bed in Sam’s room. I don’t have any of my own friends in Memphis. I feel like I’m taking up space I don’t belong in.
The more I write about this the more it is clear to me that I have to believe that I am a person who deserves to take up space. That’s what it all comes down to, isn’t it? Why else am I so determined to continue losing weight? What would losing five more pounds bring me? Another pant size down or inch less around my waist? What good will it do me more than focusing on being happy, healthy and STRONG? I don’t understand why I continuously base my worth over how much space I don’t take up. I’m sure that has so much more to do with my feeling out of place than my actual situation.
…Still, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited about living in my own house in Oxford. 8 Days!