Tag Archives: personal

Changes

Here I am again, all! I don’t really know where to start with this post. The last time you heard from me I was in quite a bad place. While I can’t say that my life has magically turned into sunshine and cupcakes since then, I can say that I have spent the last few weeks sitting myself down, so to speak, to try and figure my life out. If nothing else, I have decided one thing for certain: I am not happy, and it’s about time that I change that. I used to think it was me, that I was totally in charge of my own happiness and that if I wasn’t happy, it didn’t have anything to do with my surroundings or what I was doing and that it was all my mindset. To a degree, I totally believe that to be true. However, I have realized that where I am and what I’m doing aren’t exactly the things I imagine myself doing in my dreams.

I have gone through four years of college, one of them in the perfect city of Thessaloniki, pursuing a Banking and Finance major only to realize that I have absolutely no desire to enter the banking industry.

I lived in Oxford for two years, absolutely miserable, then left for a year in hopes that the time away would allow me to gain a new perspective and appreciate the city, or at the very least push through my last two years here, only to end up in tears almost every night. This place brings me no joy, and the life I am living here is so out of sync with everything I want to be.

All this is to say, I am making a change. I don’t know exactly what my life’s purpose is, but I know that it isn’t banking and I know that it isn’t in Oxford, Mississippi.

I do know that I want to pursue my journey with Ashtanga yoga and I know that I want to help people. I have lived so long doing the things other people want me to do. My college choice, my major choice, how I look, how I act… almost everything I do or am is decided by anyone and everyone but me. This has caused me nothing but unhappiness and severe anxiety, and I don’t wish this on anyone in the world. I want to help people realize that all they have to do is what they want to do.

Everything you do should be in pursuit of your dreams. As long as you pursue your life’s purpose, everything will fall into place.

I have a strong feeling I’m about to make a very, very large leap of faith into something completely unknown and completely terrifying. But I know that I will come out on top.

Namaste, beautiful people.

Saturday Special: My first homemade baked good!

Today is a great day, everyone, for more reasons than one. The first one being that I successfully made banana nut muffins from scratch… and they are so damn delicious.

 

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This is my happy face.

 

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I used this recipe, but subbed sugar substitute and half the butter for fresh greek yogurt and added walnuts. They’re still pretty calorie heavy, and having them in my room is going to be a serious challenge (because they are SO GOOD), but I’m so proud of myself for having these turn out edible, much less something I actually ENJOY. The baking gods were smiling down upon me today. I really had no idea what I was doing. Prior to this, I had only ever made cakes with cake mix, and even then I’d only done that a few times. This is an exciting thing, because I do love baked goods, and making them at home with healthier ingredients will make eating them much less of a pain for me. 

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! My celebration does not stop there! This morning I got an email from a regional bank in my area saying I was accepted for a two-summer internship that comes with a scholarship! This summer, I will be working at a branch close to my home, and next summer I will be working in their headquarters. Plus, it’s PAID. And 40 hours/week. I feel like I can FINALLY relax and stop stressing out about my money situation. I am always able to work at my high school job during my breaks because the manager there absolutely adores me, but I would work at most 30 hours per week and a typical week would be more like 20-24 hours. At minimum wage. So, internship and massive amounts of major-related experience aside, I’m going to be making a ton more money with this internship than I would at that job. I am on top of the world today.

All things considered (my run yesterday and the subsequent death of my poor legs, the fact that I am basically done with all the schoolwork I have for the next week and a half, and the fact that I might have been slightly hungover), I took the day off. No workout, no tracking calories, no passing glance at ANYTHING school related. I’m even ordering delivery for dinner for the first time in over a month. Luckily, Sundays are my typical rest day so I’m just switching these two days this week, meaning I’m not actually “skipping” a workout. The food situation is a completely different story, but I really do not care. I know rewarding yourself with food is not the best thing to do, but, again, I do not care. I’m going to hop back on the wagon tomorrow and continue pushing ahead. I’ve earned it, and I’m not going to feel guilty at all about enjoying being absolutely useless for one day.

Bad Blogger

Okay, this is my blog. I can do what I want. But I did miss posting a meal last Saturday and being gone for so long as made me feel pretty guilty. So here I am with a short update.

I quit keto. I did it for about a month. I wasn’t necessarily sick of it or bored of the food (although I was certainly getting to that point), but I was developing some seriously obsessive behaviors with tracking my calories. I found myself pushing to eat below my calorie limit and feeling the need to go for long walks if I got close or went over slightly. I said no to hanging out with my friends because I was afraid of eating something I shouldn’t. In general, I was afraid of messing it up. When I first started losing weight over a year ago, I wasn’t exactly doing it in the best or safest way. I’ve come a LONG way since then and to see myself start to fear food and attach guilt to eating again was very, very scary. So I stopped. And I felt guilty at first for “quitting,” but I know if I’m going to be happy with my weight, it’s not going to be with fear of food or an obsession with tracking every calorie I consume. 

Keto did make me very aware of everything I was eating before I started it. The few times I did go out, the amount of times I had to say no to something I wouldn’t have prior to starting was amazing. Cappuccinos, donuts, the snacks that come with the coffee and beer… It was a lot. So I am thankful that I have this new awareness of all the little things that really do add up after a while. I’ve added in carbs again but I’m staying away from pasta and potatoes and limiting refined sugar. I know it’s going to be hard for me to find a sustainable, healthy relationship with food, but I know that relationship isn’t going to include a complete ban on unhealthy food. Knowing me, it would lead to me eating every chocolate bar and cake in sight. I’m just learning how to say “no” when I need to while realizing that one midnight bougatsa isn’t going to instantly make me gain 20 pounds overnight. And truthfully, I’m not a large girl. I need to learn how to not-gain weight more than I learn to lose it. I’ve still been exercising 6x/week and I definitely plan to maintain that, well, indefinitely. This isn’t going to be something I figure out over night, but I will figure it out.

Anyway, that’s where I am right now. I’m about to be VERY busy and VERY boring, and that will probably lead to a lack of blog posts, but I will be back this weekend, hopefully with something as delicious as ever. I’m thinking I’m going to try my hand at baking.